Are you sure your child isn't playing?
I always like to begin with a definition to help frame and clarify the topic of an article. But when it comes to play, it's not as easy to define as you might think: play is not just about fun or enjoyment. You’ve probably noticed this yourself when watching your child—there’s not always a smile on their face while solving a puzzle!
Some theorists define play as a behavior.
Certain characteristics help define whether an activity qualifies as play: voluntary participation, enjoyment, intrinsic motivation, imagination or simulation, and a focus on the process rather than the end result. The more an activity includes these features, the more it is considered play. Often, it’s the observer (usually an adult) who interprets a child’s behavior and labels it as “play” (or not). But this judgment is limited, as it’s shaped by the observer’s own idea of what play should look like. The example given in the book Jeu et Développement chez le jeune enfant - de la naissance à 6 ans (In English: Play and Development in the Early Years: Birth to Six Years) by Mary Sheridan perfectly illustrates this bias:
Let’s take two children playing with building blocks:
- Child A chooses the blocks from the shelf in their room, places them on the table, and concentrates on recreating the model shown on the box. There’s no laughter or smiling. The child appears absorbed, carefully selecting pieces and comparing their construction to the picture on the box.
- Child B is given blocks by a teacher and starts playing on a rug. The building seems random and changes frequently. Sometimes, the child sorts blocks by color or size. They occasionally giggle or laugh when they’ve built something, and then knock it over.
So, which of these activities is play? Child A chose the activity but showed little visible joy. Child B didn’t choose it, but seemed to enjoy it. Neither child is pretending or simulating. Yet both children consider what they’re doing as play.
So, what does playing really mean to children?
For preschool-aged children, play is something they choose freely and have control over. The degree of adult involvement can affect how playful the activity feels to the child. And surprisingly, children don’t always associate play with fun! For babies and toddlers who can't yet express themselves, play is more about exploring their environment—thinking through what they can do with each object they come across.
How do children play?
Playing with everyday objects is a big part of a toddler’s exploration stage. So if your one-year-old is banging on a saucepan instead of playing their beautiful new xylophone from Grandma 🤭—that’s totally normal and even healthy! And the same goes for older children: using everyday objects in creative ways nurtures imagination and fuels creativity.
Toys are tools that support, enrich, and expand play. They can be used in the way the manufacturer intended—or not! Take dominoes for example: they can be used traditionally or repurposed to build a racetrack for toy cars. Your child is allowed to (and encouraged to) reimagine their toys. In fact, I recommend choosing toys that allow open-ended play—more on that in a bit!
The connection between toys, play, and child development is so strong that psychologist Sophie Marinopoulos wrote a book titled Tell Me What They Play With, and I’ll Tell You How They’re Doing (Dites-moi à quoi il joue, je vous dirai comment il va). In it, she helps caregivers understand a child’s emotional and psychological development by observing their play. She also gives great toy recommendations tailored to different developmental stages. I’ll be summarizing it soon—stay tuned! 😉
What might be stopping your child from playing with their toys?
They don’t have enough free time.
Sometimes, children’s schedules are just as full as ours! Between daycare or school, after-school care, sports, outings, family visits… does your child even have downtime at home? And even when they are home, are they really available to play freely—without interruptions from meals, naps, screen time, or routines? Often, time to just play at home is surprisingly limited.
Many experts recommend that children have at least one hour a day of free, unstructured playtime.⏳
Toddlers should have opportunities to play every day, says the American Academy of Pediatrics. Many experts recommend giving toddlers at least an hour per day of free, unstructured (but still supervised) play, along with at least 30 minutes of adult-led, structured play.
Some researchers go even further, suggesting that children need blocks of 1 to 2 hours at a time to really get into their play. The day can of course count several play blocks.
Studies by Dr. James Christie and Dr. Francis Wardle show that shorter play periods (under 30 minutes) reduce the complexity and maturity of children's play. Short bursts are still valuable, but they lose much of the depth and developmental benefits of longer play.
So let’s slow down a bit—it might be time to just chill at home. 🏠❤️
They need you!
Sometimes, a child just needs someone to get the play started—and that someone is often you! As a parent, you’re their favorite playmate. You can jump-start a play session by beginning a story or offering a few suggestions. You might add a new element to inspire them 💡⭐—like printing an ocean backdrop to create an underwater world for their Playmobil, or a forest scene for their Lego. Or mix different toys together—use blocks or dominoes to make roads for toy cars. A bit of inspiration and connection is often all it takes. Maybe your child is trying to master a new skill and is getting discouraged. That’s where you come in: reassure and encourage them, or offer a method to help them succeed. Think of yourself as a coach—you’re there if needed, but the game is theirs!
Lack of play can also be a sign of anxiety. Again, your presence is key. Stress can come from physical needs (like tiredness or hunger) or emotional overwhelm (like starting school).
Your child might also need a little help understanding how to use a toy or how to stay focused—they’re still developing the skills to play independently. To help explain a game’s rules, try using the Montessori “SHOW” method, from Simone Davies' in her book The Montessori Toddler: Slow Hands Omit Words. Rather than explaining with words, demonstrate with slow, clear movements—easy for your child to follow and imitate. This allows them to focus on your actions and fully absorb the process. You can also support them with toys that build concentration—or adapt the game rules to suit them. For example, memory games can be overwhelming with too many pairs. I started by using only a few for my kids so the game lasted just a few minutes. It was simpler, they felt successful, and I added one pair each week!
Their toys aren’t accessible or are out of sight.
“Out of sight, out of mind.” If toys are all packed away in a chest, up on a shelf, or hidden in their room, they’re easy to forget. Sure, it may keep your home tidy, but your child might not even remember they exist! That said, we’re not turning your living room into a toy store 😱. We’ll aim for a balance: an inviting space for your child, but one that’s also pleasant for you.
Simone Davies suggests in The Montessori Toddler that having materials laid out on low, open shelves (inspired by Montessori methods) encourages independence.
Have activities and materials set up in trays and baskets so they have everything they need at the ready. Look for ways to make it easy for the child to help themselves.
I personally use a dedicated, open storage unit—something low and without doors. Ikea’s KALLAX 77x77cm shelf is a great affordable option under 30 euros.
To store the toys, try removing the boxes for easier access, and organize them:
- On trays with edges: great for miniature worlds and accessories (I use the bamboo IKEA Ostbit tray, 30x40cm),
- On shelves for puzzles (I’ve customized my KALLAX with a 4-shelf insert),
- In baskets or clear boxes for most other toys.
Here’s a photo of my setup… You can cozy up the space with a plant on top and a soft rug nearby, maybe even next to a window. As the Dutch say, “Wat gezellig!”🥰
And as you’ll see in the next section, this setup is enough to inspire more play.
They have too many toys!
This is one of the most common reasons children don’t play with their toys: they’re overwhelmed by too many choices. A 2017 study of 32 families in Los Angeles found that households had, on average, 132 visible toys. Experts agree: reduce the number of toys accessible to your child. “Don’t overcrowd your child’s room—too many toys will prevent them from playing,” warns psychologist Sophie Marinopoulos. Simone Davies also advises, “Displaying only a few activities helps the child’s concentration—just the ones they are working to master, so they don’t feel overwhelmed.”
But what’s the optimal number of toys to present? In 2017, Alexia Metz and her team at the University of Toledo studied children aged 18 to 30 months and found that when only 4 toys were available, the kids played longer and with better quality of play. ✅
Here are two solutions:
- Do toy rotations yourself: Keep 4 age-appropriate toys out and store the rest. When your child masters and tires of those, switch them out. This works, but it takes time, energy, and may disappoint your child (especially if some were birthday gifts… 😞).
- Or rent age-appropriate educational toys! Plaything libraries are great, and that’s exactly what I offer with Lil’ Discoveries. No hassle doing rotations, 🤯 no research needed, and you’re making an eco-friendly choice. ❤️🌱
Does your child have the “right” toys?
The toy market can be overwhelming! 😵 The selection is so vast that it’s hard to know what to choose: thousands of brands, each offering thousands of products. And advertising often targets children directly—promoting plastic toys that feature the latest trendy characters and, at best, encourage passive reaction rather than active engagement.
Are your child’s toys actually beneficial for their development? Do they spark curiosity or creativity?
The truth is, some toys offer very little value to the child: they provide limited interaction, don’t stimulate imagination or cognitive development, and don’t support learning. Let’s be honest—pressing a button to hear the same jingle over and over gets old fast. 🙄 There’s no challenge or new skill involved. Yet remember: play is how children explore, learn, and make sense of the world around them.
So I encourage you to sort through your child’s toys, and unless there’s a toy they are absolutely in love with, prioritize those with educational value, especially the ones that support open-ended play. UNICEF states that:“Free play allows children to explore the world in their own way, encourages creativity, and inspires imagination.” It’s so beneficial that UNICEF actually recommends encouraging it at home.
And now you're probably thinking 😲: what does a toy that encourages open-ended play actually look like? These are toys that leave plenty of room for imagination and creativity. They don’t have a fixed function or a defined goal. Think sensory bins, wooden bowls, blocks, figurines, arches, balls, marbles, stones… in all shapes, sizes, and colors!
Are the toys suited to your child’s developmental stage?
But even the most educational toy won’t do much if it’s not appropriate to your child's developmental stage. 🎯 If a toy is too complex or intimidating, your child might get frustrated. If it’s too simple, they might lose interest quickly. Either way, the result is the same: they stop playing with it. That’s why it’s so important to understand child development and the different phases they go through—so you can offer the right kind of toy, at the right time.
Are their toys varied?
Toys that are stimulating and developmentally appropriate create a rich environment where your child can truly thrive. But the cherry on top is variety—that’s what sparks curiosity.✨
As their guide, you can help your child step outside their favorite theme and discover new ones. Let’s say they love dolls—that’s great! But try adding a few animal figurines to their toy collection. They’ll invent new stories, expand their vocabulary, and might even pick up some fun facts—like when Grandma tells them that wombats are the only animals on Earth that poop cubes.💩🟫
Also think about diversifying the types of play: open-ended toys for imagination and creativity,puzzle and logic games for cognitive development, board games to build social skills,manipulative toys for fine motor skills,outdoor games to burn energy and boost gross motor skills.
In short: create balance in your child’s playful environment ⚖️. Sounds like a lot? Here are some practical tips to make it easier 🤓:
- When your child writes a birthday wish list, create categories. This helps you balance both the types of toys and the themes.
- If you have friends or family with a child around the same age, swap toys occasionally! It adds variety, and also teaches children about sharing, taking care of others’ things, and respect.
- Try toy libraries! Renting toys instead of buying them adds diversity without breaking the bank. With my own educational playthings library, Lil’ Discoveries, I offer themed playboxes full of variety to spark your child’s curiosity. Parents can exchange the toys every two months—simple, educational, and sustainable! 🌱❤️ Do you live in the Netherlands? Check out my offer here 👀
